Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Fedoras Don't Cause Winning, FYI.

Dear Charlie Sheen,

Can you point to yourself in the photo below?

No?  What about this one?

I didn't think so.  You are not a founding member of the Brat Pack.  You did not rock a Micky Mouse shirt while wielding a switchblade in The Outsiders.  You did not say, "Two hits.  Me hitting you.  You hitting the floor" to John Bender in The Breakfast Club.  And don't even get me started on St. Elmo's Fire.  In short, Emilio rules and Charlie drools.  Your career is totally eclipsed by your brother's, and this includes the Mighty Ducks trilogy!  Where do you get off claiming all these wins?

Typically, when someone says they're winning, they are referring to some type of competition.  Let's be professional and do a tally:


  • Born Martin Sheen's son (good job!)
  • Hot Shots: Part Deux.


  • You are the third most talented actor in a family of three famous actors.
  • Now that Two and a Half Men is cancelled, you are forever locked in a three-way-tie with Jim Belushi and Reba McEntire for shittiest sitcom loosely based on the personality of an overrated celebrity.  I'm sorry Reba, but seriously, acting is not your thing.
  • You are moderately impressive at abusing substances, but you're not the winner.  Stephen King wrote Cujo while he was blacked out.  Cujo!  Insulting poor Duckie from a script you didn't write while you nurse a hangover does NOT compare.
  • You're pretty crazy, but you're not the craziest.  Paula Abdul out-crazies you on any given day before breakfast.
  • Paying women to hang out with you and calling them your "girlfriends" is just embarrassing.  Playmates, Sheen.  You didn't invent it.

You're just a garden variety asshole.  You do not bleed tiger blood and you are not a drug.  I appreciate your frequent references to warlocks (people just don't do that enough), but the jig is up.  You better call CBS and apologize because you are one bump away from becoming Dr. Drew's next victim.

Thanks for playing,

So What?  You're Famous.

1 comment:

  1. I share your love for Emilo, my God how I loved him when I was a bucktoothed and obese tween. I must concur that Sheen is a douche deluxe. Winning? Not really. Dr. Drew is licking his chops for sure!