Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Gwyneth is Country Strong!

Gwyneth,

I regret to inform you that having fringe on your purse does not qualify you for a role as a country music singer.  It's not really your fault.  Thanks to the perpetual shit-show that is Canadian pop music, America was infected by a contagion known as Shania Twain.  Somehow we forgot that real country music starlets always have one foot in the trailer (or shanty- I love you Dolly!).  No Gwyneth, your movie set trailers do not count.  The real women of country music have big, unmanageable hair and a proclivity to fighting over worthless men.  They're comfortable in the worst bars, they shoot whiskey and 95% of the time there is a direct correlation between the size of their busts and the immensity of their their talent.  Where's the common ground, Gwyneth?  Vineyards?  No.  Macrobiotic diets?  No.  Private schools in NYC?  No.  Shitting money from birth forward?  No.  Naming children after fruit?  No, but in all fairness, you're really the only one who does that.

I know it's stifling in the rich wife/country club member/former prom queen box, but it's your destiny.  Angelina Jolie throws knives and drinks blood, and you snub other people while looking bored.  Anything else is just ridiculous.

Sincerely,
So What?  You're Famous.