Friday, May 14, 2010

Please put your tiny hands into your tiny pockets, they're disturbing.

Dear Tom Cruise,

Or should I call you Toddler Hands?  You know, if you didn't give all your money to the Church of Scientology, you could do something about that deformity of yours.  You could get finger extensions, or buy a closet full of flesh colored gloves in an adult size and just let us pretend.  But no, all your cash goes to paying Lord Xenu's alien army for the secrets of the universe.  I am very curious about Lord Xenu.  How does he answer the tough questions?  For instance, why would a just and loving Xenu  put tiny baby hands on an alien destined to become Maverick?  I guess that's why they call it faith, Cruiser.  Xenu makes no mistakes.  But what has he done for you lately?  You need to look at yourself.

Why does this photo not surprise me?  Because it should, Tom.  It should be shocking and upsetting to see you looking like a serial killer.  But it's not.  The moment you hopped your tiny little body on to Oprah's couch, it became clear that you are completely insane.  You're lucky you were dealing with fit Oprah, because an Oprah of a different size might have succumbed to a heart attack over that type of lunacy in her studio.  So, here's to small blessings.  Even though you have ruined your career and publicly admit you believe in Xenu, at least you didn't kill Oprah.


So What?  You're Famous.

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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I know you didn't, Billy Corgan!

Billy Corgan,

There are some things we, as humans, know instinctively not to do.  If it's rotten, don't eat it.  If it growls, don't pet it.  If it's Courtney Love, don't date it.  What is wrong with you? And now this?  Watching you ladies have a Twitter cat fight brings joy to my soul.  Really, it feels like Christmas came early.  But, I am worried  about the Smashing Pumpkins fans.  They're going to be upset when she cuts you with a broken bottle or stabs you with a hypodermic needle.  You're being very selfish, Billy. And what about Francis Bean?  That poor girl survived Courtney Love's womb and going through childhood with a name fit for a baby doll.  Now some 40-year-old bald guy is fawning over her on Twitter.  I've got news for you buddy, "creepy" is not a stretch for you.  You should probably tone it down with the whole, "your daughter is cooler than you" thing.  It's weird.

This drama is a bit over the top, even for a poet.  You do realize that you are the only person in the entire world who is surprised she ripped off your material.  She's Courtney Love.  It's her job to be sketchy, and she's a professional.  Speaking of jobs, yours is to write sonnets and avoid the sun, not have Twitter tantrums.  Get it together, Corgan.

So What?  You're Famous.