Tuesday, March 30, 2010

This precious angel? I don't think so.

Dear Jolie,

Jeez, Johnie Depp's girlfriend is a little PARANOID isn't she?  What makes her think you would wreck her family if given an opportunity?  It's just so far fetched!  She's acting like you've earned some type of reputation.   Like elderly men start acting like preteens at the skating rink when they're with you...

Like former power house actors are reduced to baby making mutes who grow heinous facial hair to conceal their beauty when exposed to high levels of you....

Like there's some pathological pattern to your relationships...  

Okay, so you're a tad bit sketchy, but so what?  What kind of asshole makes assumptions about people based on the way they've acted over and over and over in the past?  Furthermore, I expect more from a French woman.  One would think Ms. Paradis might display some maturity in this type of situation.  I thought the French were all, "We are not puritans like the Americans.  It is just sex, don't be such prudes, just be discreet....blah...blah...blah"  I think it would be a nice gesture if you offered to adopt, or perhaps buy her children.  It's been a few months since you added to your colony, and I'm fairly certain this will smooth things over with her.

Good luck!

So What?  You're Famous.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

All Aboard the Dignity Train: Destination South Beach!

Jersey Shore,

In the very near future, all inhabitants of Florida (and possibly Cuba) will know 2010 as the year of The Great Orange Invasion (kind of like the British Invasion of the 1960's, but slightly more culturally significant). The Jersey Shore was just a warm-up for what will happen in South Beach when the tanned hurricane of fist pumps, hair gel and biceps lands.  But it would be unfair to spread the gratitude evenly among all seven of you.  There is but one, compact, pickle-lovin,' juicehead huntin' lady who needs to take a bow. 

Yep, the Snook.  Who brought the party the first night in the house?  It was not that unhinged psychopath, JWoww, and it was not I'm-so-ripped-I-actually-look-fat-Ronnie either.  It was Snooki.  And how did you all repay her for showing you how to party?  You judged her.  Sure, she drank herself sick and attempted to rape her male roommates, but that's life in the fast lane.  What is she supposed to do when someone lifts their shirt and says, "We've got a situation"?   Take advantage!    Then, the abuse continued when poor Snooki asked for a roll at dinner and was told she already had some!  How dare you?  That kind of drinking does not sustain itself!  You are nothing without Snooki, and don't you forget it.  She took a punch in the face to bring this family together.  You didn't know how much you loved her until someone kicked her ass, and neither did we.

So What?  You're Famous.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Free Weezy!

Dear Lil' Wayne,

Is that a bag of gold around your neck?  I like a forthright leprechaun who isn't all coy about where he hides his gold.  Good for you!  Even though pink camouflage on grown men makes me happy 100% of the time, today I am fighting the blues.  Remember how the Chilean earthquake shifted the Earth's axis?  That's how I feel about celebrities going to prison.  It alters our understanding of the universe.  Up is down, right is left, you're a feminist, etc.  It confuses everything.

Obviously, this is not your fault, and I would never suggest such a thing.  But where did you get your lawyers?  K-Mart?  First of all, it's called REHAB!  That should have been the first word out of their mouths. Everyone knows that when you're talking about stars, rehab is a perfectly acceptable substitution for prison.  It can also stand in for "revoke drivers license", "remove children from the home", "deactivate Twitter account", " require panties in public" and "end career", should you ever find yourself in another pickle.  Speaking of children, what about your secondary career as professional inseminator?  How many women will go childless this year because of this injustice?  You fathered three babies back to back, and you could have doubled that in the time you will be inside!  I guess the judge isn't concerned about the lack of celebrity spawn this country is enduring.  Heartless!

It might be a bit unfair to blame the lawyers, though.  There is the little snafu of your DNA on the gun found in your tour bus.  I find it odd they didn't specify if it was a fingerprint.  I hope this doesn't mean what I think it means....

Either way, I'm off to make some bumper stickers.  Free Weezy!

So What?  You'r Famous.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Every Party Has a Pooper

Dear Lindsay,

E-Trade better check it before they wreck it!  Am I right Lindsay?  I have to admit, those babies video chatting are pretty cute, and it was kind of funny when they called the party-girl baby a milkaholic.  But to name her Lindsay?  How dare they mock you?  They know good and well that
Lindsay+aholic =Lohan.
It's simple math.  Like there are other people in America named Lindsay?  Yeah right!  And even if you aren't the only Lindsay, what are the odds the others are female, drunken AND skanky?  Slim to none at best.  I say go ahead and start celebrating your win.

And remember to hold that classy head of yours up high, Lindsay.  Frivolous lawsuits are the only way celebrities can recoup all that the universe has taken from them.  You're lawyer is absolutely correct, E-Trade has no right to make a parody of your life.  That's your job.


So What?  You're Famous.

And muchas gracias to Mursenary for the tip!

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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

In Memoriam

Dear Lost Boys Fans,

Major. Bummer.

Let's all resist the urge to blame Feldman, he is not that powerful.  Or even a little bit powerful.  I do like that bandana though, fierce!  Watch out vampires!  You won't see Feldman coming, he's camoflauged.  He's also mulleted, batshit-crazy and a giant butthole.  How was there ever a question of who was more heartthrobby? Duh.  Haim won in a landslide.  Not that I was much help in that campaign.  My young heart belonged to Wil Wheaton.  Don't judge me.  I was twelve!  Better late than never, though.  If Corey Haim's tragic passing takes him out of this horse race, and I don't think it should, then I'm voting for an independent.  I don't care what the drunk guy on the left in the cut-off tee looks like now, he's got to be a better pick than Feldman.

I hope you all take a moment to watch Lost Boys in remembrance of Corey Haim, and revisit all those unanswered questions.  Are the Frog Brothers really brothers?  They don't look like brothers.  One looks like that dumbass, Corey Feldman (they could have cast ANYONE) and the other looks like Ralph Macchio's alcoholic twin.  And why did Jason Patrick's character have to move across the country with his mom and little brother?  Did he flunk ten grades?  He looks thirty-years-old in this movie.  Get a job, loser!

We send our sincerest condolences to the family and friends of Corey Haim.

So What?  You're Famous.

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Monday, March 8, 2010

Two Reds Don't Make a Right

Dear Reds,

Normally I am in full support of an ambush.  Pretty much any ambush, particularly on live television, is fun for the whole family.  One exception to this rule is wacky white lady behavior, and your shenanigans at the Oscars were pure white lady wackiness.  Of course, you will not be going down alone.  The blame game is phase two of the ambush, and it's possible both a country and a rapper will eventually have to grumble some type of apology for your behavior.  I hope you're happy!

Clearly, England must take responsibility for the smug, boring one in the crazy dress.  We are so sorry your growing Oscar collection is cluttering up your flat, Sandy Powell!  I'm sure all the nameless costume designers,to whom your unwanted statuette was dedicated, appreciated your enthusiasm.  Nothing says "I'm sorry your work goes unnoticed" like failing to mention names and tossing Oscars around like table scraps.  Of course, this was a mere warm-up for what Red #2, Elinor Burkett, had up her purple frock.

Combining the skills of both ninja and linebacker, she magically appeared in the middle of an eloquent acceptance speech and started rambling about how men never let women talk.  Don't take the rest of us with you, lady.  We don't even know you! And don't be so quick to blame sexism. Yes, you probably do have a problem getting people to listen.  It's possible that problem is sexism, but let's not rule out your mullet, your inability to read a room, your lack of manners or your complete avoidance of  a point.  Obviously, Kanye West's outburst at the Grammy's was immediately resurrected, and he can now thank you for a second trip to the penalty box.

To be fair though Reds, even though you were stand outs in the Wacky White Lady category last night, there is one final oddity to name in this pale trilogy.  The growing faction of women who wear dresses that blend seamlessly with fish belly white skin and dishwater blonde hair is alarming. Last night's ghoul parade was notably missing its de facto leaders, Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts.  However, their numbers were strong and their look was, predictably, weird and white:

I hesitate to recommend this to anyone Reds, but this look could be just what you need to fly under the radar next year, assuming England and Kanye West don't have you erased for taking them down with you.


So What?  You're Famous.

Sunday, March 7, 2010



I like your hat.  I never considered the offspring possibilities of a drunken hook-up between the Cat in the Hat and Alex from A Clockwork Orange, but here you are!   I am not impressed with your gesture, preferring as I do the full finger extending from a closed fist, but otherwise, lovely.

Anyway, just a quick note to let you know your website appears to have been hijacked.  I don't know why taxidermists would be out to get you, but I'm guessing it's pure jealousy.  Let's hope this gets resolved soon because you are one Bald Eagle away from becoming a Bass Pro online store.  And the indignity!  I hate to bring this up, but they appear to have placed a fish between your legs.  Also, there are dream catchers involved.  Frankly, I hope they say hello to the inside of a jail cell for what they've done to you.

$ee Ya!

So What?  You're Famous.  

Friday, March 5, 2010

Richard Simmons: A Love Letter

Dear Richard Simmons,

I LOVE YOU!  I love everything about you.  I love your hair, I love your uniform (and that you insist it be called a uniform), I love your dancing, I love your hair some more, and I love that your place of work is called Slimmons Studio.  Very clever, you precious little magical prince!  You are like a fairy tale creature for adults.  It's not merely the bewitching nature of your Richardness.  You have brought good things to mankind like Deal-A-Meal, Sweatin' to the Oldies and your hair.  Yet, you ask so little in return.  This is highly unusual for a fairy tale creature.  They usually want some ridiculous payment like a first born child (I'm talking to you, Rumpelstiltskin, you're greedy!).  But not you, Richard Simmons.  You're as pure as the driven snow.  Some people might bring up your millions at this point, but what do they know?  It's called upkeep. Those tank tops don't bedazzle themselves.  

Like any good fairy tale hero, you must make contact with the worst of the worst.  For you, they are a hobgoblin and an ogre.  Personally, I don't want to see my precious Richard sharing air with Glenn Beck, but you did it for mankind, and because he has an audience the size of Dallas.  You even wished him well in his battle with the bulge.  You could have told him you hope he winds up bedridden and forced to trade in his Escalade for a forklift, but that just wouldn't be Richard.  You also entered the snake pit with Howard Stern.  It's difficult to call you running out crying a success, but you're a tender gnome and he's an ogre.  He only lashed out at you because his hair wishes it was your hair.  Remind yourself of that next time.  Until then, best wishes fair Richard!


So What?  You're Famous.

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Help, I can’t see my family!

01dobsonDear Dr. Dob,

What do you mean you’re leaving Focus On The Family?  The world will be so blurry without my giant Dobson goggles!  Who will decipher the moral code of the universe now?  This is going to be mayhem, Jim.  Big time. 

Don’t you fear for the children?  Not long ago, American parents did not know a lusty sponge was threatening the very fabric of our nation.  Now, through your freakishly large spectacles, we can see the unholy union between Spongebob and Patrick. The very idea of two invertebrates holding hands…GROSS!  Bikini Bottom morals on Main Street?  Not on your watch!  It’s a good thing too, that place is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah.

But what about that miserly crab and his bratty whale daughter?  What kind of rudderless society allows a bachelor crab to adopt a baby whale?  Who’s going to teach her how to use her blow hole?  Do you not see the threats posed by that diabolical little dictator, Plankton?  He’s probably a socialist.  Once he gets that Krabby Patty recipe he’ll set his sights on the Big Mac.  Before we know it, he’ll be blabbing the ingredients of the secret sauce in some tiny protozoan manifesto.  Don’t go, Dr. Dobson.  Your work here is not yet done. 


So What?  You’re Famous.