“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.” -Lady Gaga during Vanity Fair interview August 2, 2010
Dear Lady Gaga,
I think you have touched on a very important issue. Women around the globe suffer from anxiety about the theft of their valuables through their vaginas. Creativity, jewels, wads of cash, weapons and even car keys have been known to mysteriously disappear during coitus. You are certainly not alone in your concern.
I advise you to re-think your abstinence plan. Abstinence programs across the country have taught us that piety leads to pregnancy, or in your case, theft of property. It may work for now, but it will not work forever. Furthermore, while I applaud your "dick decoy" approach, I think it has run its course. The public no longer believes you are the sheepish owner of a dong. It is only a matter of time before hoards of hot, young creativity thieves are banging down your door trying to take what is rightfully yours. Lady Gaga, it is time for you to think outside the box.
May I suggest, Camelflage for your vaginal security needs? The primary purpose of Camelflage is to prevent the seam of a woman's pants from creeping up and alerting everyone around her that she has a vagina. However, in addition to preventing camel toe, the Camelflage also creates the illusion of androgynous doll parts. You can think of it as a sexual duck blind. The Camelflage is your ambassador to the world. It tells your potential partners, "Hey, look at me, I'm a big weird doll! You wouldn't even consider having sex with me because I have a hard plastic shell where my vagina should be. Let's just be friends". Your creativity is safe with Camelflage.
Or, you could stop keeping your creativity in your vagina. It is the worst storage unit EVER!
So What? You're Famous.
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