Friday, March 5, 2010

Richard Simmons: A Love Letter




Dear Richard Simmons,


I LOVE YOU!  I love everything about you.  I love your hair, I love your uniform (and that you insist it be called a uniform), I love your dancing, I love your hair some more, and I love that your place of work is called Slimmons Studio.  Very clever, you precious little magical prince!  You are like a fairy tale creature for adults.  It's not merely the bewitching nature of your Richardness.  You have brought good things to mankind like Deal-A-Meal, Sweatin' to the Oldies and your hair.  Yet, you ask so little in return.  This is highly unusual for a fairy tale creature.  They usually want some ridiculous payment like a first born child (I'm talking to you, Rumpelstiltskin, you're greedy!).  But not you, Richard Simmons.  You're as pure as the driven snow.  Some people might bring up your millions at this point, but what do they know?  It's called upkeep. Those tank tops don't bedazzle themselves.  

Like any good fairy tale hero, you must make contact with the worst of the worst.  For you, they are a hobgoblin and an ogre.  Personally, I don't want to see my precious Richard sharing air with Glenn Beck, but you did it for mankind, and because he has an audience the size of Dallas.  You even wished him well in his battle with the bulge.  You could have told him you hope he winds up bedridden and forced to trade in his Escalade for a forklift, but that just wouldn't be Richard.  You also entered the snake pit with Howard Stern.  It's difficult to call you running out crying a success, but you're a tender gnome and he's an ogre.  He only lashed out at you because his hair wishes it was your hair.  Remind yourself of that next time.  Until then, best wishes fair Richard!

LOVE,

So What?  You're Famous.


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8 comments:

  1. hmmm, never knew that about Richard- shame on Howard Stern for making him cry. Too bad celebrity boxing is no longer around, what a sight it would be to see Richard punch Glenn Beck in the face!

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  2. Sadly, it does not take a whole lot to make Richard cry. David Letterman has made a fairly serioius hobby of it.

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  3. Richard Simmons made a fortune off of making others cry. b-o-o h-o-o

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  4. He doesn't make others cry, Meg! He holds them in his loving, magical gnome arms while they cry. You are a monster.

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  5. I'm waiting for him to appear on Dancing With The Stars. It would be like finding his mother ship.

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  6. First off Glenn Beck rules hookers! As for Richard, he is fantastic and didn't he just bitch slap someone a few years ago? God Bless his permed little head! Plus nobody should cross a flamer like him, momma he is fierce (even if it isn't 2006) honey, and child he will whoop your fat ass like a trick! Oh, I am also in love with him, what fatty isn't?

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  7. What, Glenn Beck rules hookers? Isn't that a tad troublesome for the GOP...not to mention illegal and just plain risky behavior in general?

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