You will apologize to me, John Mayer!

John Mayer,

Well, it was only a matter of time before you put on a neon ball sling.  I guess I should have seen this coming.  Guess who’s body isn’t a wonderland?  You obviously have some time on your hands, one would think you could trim the hedges.

Regarding the questions raised in your recent musical expression, “Who Says”, I would like to reply.

You: Who says I can’t get stoned?
Me: Mostly the law.  I suggest you move to Scandinavia.  For many, many reasons.
You: Who says I can’t be free?
Me: Obviously no one.  You’re roaming around in a fucking thong with your pubes hanging out.
You: I don’t remember you looking any better, but then again I don’t remember you.
Me: Well, I’ve held up fairly well through the years, and it’s possible we met during my awkward years.  Where were you circa 1991?
You: Who says I can’t get stoned?  Plan a trip to Japan alone.
Me: Again, it’s a legal issue.  You will not fare well in Japan if you remain obsessed with getting stoned.  They have severe punishments for those caught.  So, scratch Scandinavia.  Sounds like you’ve got a plan.  Sorry Japan!

Love,

So What?  You're Famous.