What is it about you, Stern? Your beauty? Your mane? Your delicate hands? I just don’t know! My mind tells me you’re a man, but my eyes won’t believe it. I tell my eyes, “He’s a Shock-Jock, his profession rhymes with cock! What could be more manly?” But my eyes compel me. Something about you makes me want to put a floral print dress on you and stare into your twinkling blue eyes, “Grandma, will you bake me some cookies?”
Let’s review how manly you are so I can put this behind me. You dressed up in a midriff baring, assless costume on MTV and demanded Luke Perry “touch and rub” your surprisingly supple behind. Even as a fourteen-year-old girl, I knew no woman would ask such things of Luke Perry at the height of 90210 fame. Especially a large, middle-aged, hairy woman. It was ridiculous even then! But those long, long legs…..
And of course, there is “The Howard Stern Show”. If anything should stop me from sub-consciously designating you a matron, it is this glorious exploration of manhood. Deep down inside, I know women would not enjoy lining other women up and judging them. An exceptionally ugly, flat chested elderly woman would be the LAST person who might take pleasure in such an occupation. You have discussed your unusually small penis openly, and I’m sure this is not to protect yourself against allegations, should someone notice it was missing. How much more evidence do I need?!?!
It’s the tender moments, Stern. Like when you demanded the girls from American Pie II tell you if they liked anal sex, but when one almost started crying, you said, “You don’t have to answer if you’re uncomfortable”. Awwww……hold me Grandma. Or the time you tried to help Anna Nicole with her weight issues by mocking the shit out of her and calling her fat. Because you care. I can’t get past it. Your nymphet bride will not convince me. Hide no longer, Lady Stern! It’s late in the game, but you’re a survivor. Cougars are in!
So What? You're Famous.