Thursday, October 15, 2009

Eminem is a feral child, but that’s no excuse

Dear Eminem,
clip_image002How dare you make me take sides with Mariah Carey?  Do you know what it does to my soul to feel allegiance with a grown woman who loves butterflies, rainbows and wearing a ponytail and shorty-jorts everyday?  When my ears were initially assaulted by that song where she accuses you of being her stalker, I thought, “I don’t know what’s more disgusting, the truth or the lie.  Is it worse to be obsessed with Mariah or to have actually consummated a relationship with that dolphin-voiced Diva?”  I’m sick either way.  Why are you glaring at me like that?  Don’t be pissed at me.  I’m just pointing out what is obvious to everyone: Mariah Carey (MIMI!), of Glitter , took on a peerless butthole, and came out a champion.  You asked for this.  Most of the current population under 40 saw you push that dog puppet.

Furthermore, stop blaming your fame for your problems.  We all know you from high school.  You’re the guy at the party who’s always one Jell-O shot away from kicking over a chair and going ape shit for no particular reason.  If it weren’t for the mic, you would have grabbed a rape kit or a murder kaboodle, or whatever torture device handy and assaulted women the old fashioned way.  Mariah’s lucky she got out alive!  I hope you’ve learned your lesson.  The next song out of her face better be about ponies and secret crushes.


So What?  You're Famous.

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